Holy Crap, again!!

So found out last week im pregnant. Got some mixed emotions about it. Considering that i already have a one year old, i really was not hoping to get pregnant so soon, but i guess having two kids close together in age is not a bad thing. I don't know what me and my husband are going to do about our relationship. He can be really childish and difficult sometimes, even overbearing and abusive. I want us to work for the family, but i won't put my life in jeopardy anymore over him and his blowups. We are just on two different pages, and we constantly have misunderstandings. He always thinks the worst of me when i say something to him like i meant to hurt him or i meant to do something intentionally. Im like dude im so over u its ridiculous. Why the drama? I can do without it, now especially at 4 in the morning when i need to sleep lol. That seems to be the main time we argue. Ive always asked for two simple things, don't "talk" to other women, and don't put your hands on me. How hard can it be?

life seems to be goin ok, for now..

OK so after gettin kicked out of my dad's house a few months ago, ive been so kindly accepted at my aunts house. It has been a great experience to be unplugged from drama.  I had to say goodbye to my baby girl for a few months so she could be taken care of by my husband. I can't afford daycare right now, and she hasn't seen her grandma yet, so she left for Atlanta, Ga to see her for a few months. I finally got a job with At&t, and im almost done with my training, which is a month long!! I can't wait to get my first pay check because i am sooo broke, its not even funny! I had to borrow money for gas just to make it through this weeks training!! I know im about to be making some money because my job is salary and commissioned based, but it's that time before my first paycheck that is soooo hard to go through. I know ill be alright but it's still stressful. Hopefully in a few months after i get established, ill fly my husband and my daughter back here so i can have my family again :) i had to borrow my dad's car until i could get my own car, but he told me a few days ago i need to return it, because it's inconviencing him. So he doesn't really care that he kinda dangled a car over my head, then snatched it back, and i had plans that now have to be changed because i need a car sooner then expected. So my first paycheck is going toward that instead of being saved to pay off some old stuff.  :(

why tha crap do i have to go through this?

So today I got called some of the worst names imaginable, but is it gonna break me? No, I'm used to it. I have built up a tolerance to insults, an immunity to immaturity. Sure I cried, but Im not gonna dwell on it. Maybe I'm not made to be apart of this lifestyle. I'm just supposed to play my role, not object to anything. FOLLOW. I dont like following something I disagree with. I can't wait until I get this job! It will just be one step closer to gettin tha F*** outta here!  On a side note, my hair is lookin awesome and growing like a weed. It will be 2 years Feb. 5th since ive been locked up. This is my hairstyle of the day.

I know im late..

  So this starts out with me saying, yet again I am at another crossroads. I just left puerto rico after dealing with some rather bad experiences with my husband, took our baby girl with me and moved back into my dad's house. Im freakin back in Oklahoma! arrggghhh... I really hate that feeling when you are not progressing in life the way you thought you would. The way your parents thought you would.... Anyway, so I have a different way of thinking when it comes to life and spirituality. I was raised to believe everything my parents told me, and conditioned to not think for myself, never search for truths etc. So my crossroads right now is more of a moral one, based on alot of technicalities. I never expected to come back to the U.S. and now I feel i must conform, but im fighting the urges. I'd like to think Im a rare breed of person who can think out side of the box of social influences, and what is considered "normal", but I feel the itch of conformity. It's just starting with little things, and I wont get specific, because I have a tendency to run from criticism.  You only get one life anyway, but I will find my way... hopefully without many more mistakes. Im on my second marriage, and it would be nice to have some supportive feedback. I guess i'll work it out..